Wandering Thoughts- Bipolar

I have created this new blog post series called ‘Wandering Thoughts’ as a place for me to voice what is going on in my head and to start discussions with others about the not-so-lighthearted topics we sometimes dismiss. 

My father has Bipolar disorder, its a phrase I hate saying but its something I can’t ignore. An illness I have had to witness him go through my whole life, not always present, but when it is it brings thunderclouds over all that is around and it is something that I can’t help but be heavily affected by time and time again.

My father is the kindest, most caring and genuine person I know, a person who will move mountains for the ones he loves including myself. He has an energy about him that radiates so much love and happiness that rubs off on anyone in contact with him.

But when the bipolar showers over him for as little or as long as it may be, that person fades out for a while and someone new arrives inside of him not always bad but never really him, and I miss him within that time, so much.

Bipolar has been one of those things I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around as much as I try to understand it I can only understand so much. Although you definitely learn a lot about it when you witness it first hand but I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like on the other side of it all.

One of the hardest things for me is when he’s good, things are really good, but I can’t help but selfishly fear when those dark clouds will come back. Due to his current lifestyle, he has been the best he has been in a long time! But over a brief phone call today, he had told me over the phone how the doctors had reduced his lithium intake since he was doing so well and I couldn’t help but worry that it could cause an imbalance once again.

Although Bipolar has crept into the furniture of my dad’s life, an illness so unpredictable you just never know whats around the corner, you can’t let it consume you, life must go on.

Over my life when I’m struggling to come to terms with what is happening I spend time speaking with those I trust, having the right support system is so important. I was even lucky enough to discover close friends who were going through the same thing as me, that being, living with a loved one who has Bipolar disorder and being affected by it.

Speaking with those people healed a lot of my wounds and I started to feel less alone because they were able to relate a little to what I was dealing with and I no longer felt I was talking to a broken record, a loving record of course, the ones that tell you everything is going to be okay, with there best interest at heart, but sometimes its not enough and you just need someone to completely understand you and a lot of the time its the people dealing with the same sort of stuff.

If you are having a hard time please don’t stay in your head, talk to someone you trust or like me, write about it, writing always helps me, but then again everyone has there own way of dealing with things, so find what works best for you.

If you resonate with what I have to say but have no one to talk to bear in mind I am always an email away! (taylamareeharter@gmail.com)

After getting off the phone with my dad earlier today I was listening to his voice to pick up any indication of his illness peaking through and although my question unanswered I couldn’t help but feel down on myself for worrying, that’s why I decided to write my first ‘Wandering Thoughts’ blog post on it because it is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately and it is something that has shaped a lot my life to date.

You can definitely expect to hear me speak more on my experience growing up with a loved one who has Bipolar. An experience that brought on a lot of my sadness and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone else. It is also something so rarely spoken about or at least that’s how I feel cause through growing up a lot of the time I felt like the only one dealing with it, and I began to isolate myself, but of course, I have come to learn that is not the case.

You are never alone.

-Tayla Maree